I want to share something personal with you - something about how certain content once affected my mind. I had watched adult content, not many times, just once or twice: once during my college days and once a few years back. But those few moments impacted me so deeply that I started to hate myself without even understanding why. Maybe it was because of my religious values or the way I was raised. Somehow, it felt like it ruined my entire life from the moment I first watched it until today.
I began comparing myself with every other girl around me - not in terms of looks or personality, but in terms of “purity.” I had this constant thought that other girls never watched such things, that they were somehow cleaner, better, and more deserving of happiness. I kept questioning what purity even meant, yet I was searching for it in everyone except myself. Deep inside, I felt as if I had committed some crime.
This one thought destroyed my sense of self, my confidence, and most importantly, the love I once had for myself. I shared this with a few people I trusted, and they all said, “This is not a sin. You don’t need to feel this way.” But the thought had already taken root so deeply that it kept hurting me.
I lost so many moments where I could have lived freely and happily. My friends wanted to meet me, but I refused. I avoided people because I felt guilty and scared of being judged. Even though I knew I looked good, my mind refused to accept it. By God’s grace, I have everything one could ask for - maybe even more - but my confidence was still shaken because of this one thing.
What made it worse was the content I kept seeing online - videos saying things like “watching adult content makes you sinful,” “it ruins your focus,” “you won’t have a good career,” “you won’t find love,” and more. And because I already felt those emotions, I accepted those statements as truth.
I had a crush on someone who loved someone else and had been in relationships before. I started comparing myself to his exes - not in terms of beauty, but in terms of purity. I kept thinking, “They must have never watched anything like that. I’m the only one who did.” That thought made me feel unworthy, and I lost the confidence to even meet him.
Slowly, I have been healing from this mindset. But yes, I lost a lot of time,
When I could have laughed, enjoyed, and celebrated life.
If anyone feels the same way, please talk to your loved ones. Never suffer alone. They won’t judge you the way you judge yourself.
I’m writing this because I don’t want anyone else to struggle silently the way I did.
While we punish ourselves, others live freely.
We sometimes overthink and punish ourselves for. You deserve peace. You deserve love. You deserve healing.
You deserve that freedom too.
God bless.
-Moni🥀
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